Apples and Alligator Pears

Philadelphia

I’m getting ready for a trip back to Philly in a few weeks for my mother’s 60th birthday. She didn’t want to have a party, so right now she and I are trying to figure out where to have her birthday dinner with the family. The family has grown with marriages and children and it’s getting harder and harder to feed us all on a modest party budget. But every night before I go to bed I’m praying…please Lord, not the Oregon diner!

When your family lived in South Philly for generations…

This is where the family goes after every baby is born

This is where the family goes for Grandma’s birthday

This is where the family goes when Uncle Dino comes to visit from Florida

This is where the family goes and catches your brother in a corner booth with a girl he’s been forbidden to see

This is where the family goes when it’s too hot outside to cook in the kitchen and everybody is sick and tired of bologna sandwiches

This is where the family goes when you all find out that somebody in the family is getting divorced

This is where the family goes after your first holy communion

This is where the family goes when somebody wins a $100 bucks at bingo at Mt. Carmel

This is where the family goes when you get accepted into college

This is where the family goes when your great uncle Rick finally comes out of the closet

This is where the family goes after your Mom-mom gets her leg amputated

This is where the family goes when the pipes freeze

This is where the family goes every year after your dance recital

This is where the family goes after mom burns the turkey at Thanksgiving

This is where the family goes when they find out that your cousin Jeff got a DUI on the 95 and isn’t being let out of jail until morning

This is where the family goes after you get your first pair of glasses

This is where the family goes after your nephew Billy is filmed kicking a ball in Rittenhouse Square which is shown during the credits at the end of Eyewitness News

This is where the family goes after Grandpa’s hemorrhoid operation

This is where the family goes after every babies christening

This is where the family goes when your Grandma’s dog gets run over by a Septa bus

This is where the family goes after the last game of the season every year

This is where the family goes after you get your braces taken off

This is where the family goes to spy on you and your prom date but swear that it’s just a coincidence

This is where the family goes after they find out that your fifteen year old cousin Betty got knocked up by a boy from Jersey

This is where the family goes after your brother graduates from St. Joes Prep

This is where the family goes after Mom-mom’s other leg gets amputated

This is where the family goes when you find your cat dead in the alley with it’s tail burnt off

This is where the family goes for Aunt Susie’s wedding shower to her fifth husband who come to find out was born a woman

This is where the family goes when somebody on the block commits suicide

This is where the family goes for your thirteenth birthday even though you begged to go to TGI Friday

This is where the family goes after your sister’s fiancee gets drunk at the family picnic and finally admits to the family that he is in the mob

This is where the family goes after your Uncle Al gets laid off from a job he’s had for thirty years

This is where the family goes after every member of the families funeral

Saying that you don’t want to go to the Oregon Diner cause the food sucks doesn’t go over so well with the family. It’s kind of like the time you were hosting Christmas dinner and you asked your cousin Denise not to bring her green bean casserole cause it smelled up the whole house and made you gak. That didn’t go over so well even though everybody in the family secretly agreed. Christmas dinner at your house got cancelled that year. And the Oregon Diner is where the whole family ended up. On separate sides of the room of course.

Feel free to send me any recommendations on half decent restaurants in the Philadelphia area for a family birthday dinner.